Sleep in late. Much later than normal. Sleep in so late that when you wake up, your roommates are going to bed. Close the blinds, keep them shut. Eat a lot of cheese poofs. The kind that come inside a Costco sized barrel. The bigger sized barrel the better. Do not make eye contact when purchasing said barrel. Consume poofs. Do not clean your fingertips. Lick cheesy coated powder clean then wipe remaining residue onto your boxer shorts. You have been wearing them for three-days, nine-hours and thirty-two-minutes. Do not bathe.
Leave the house only for important things. Whiskey, beer, and cigarettes. These are important things. Wear a hat and sunglasses. Dress like the shoe-bomber. Generate strange looks inside the supermarket. Carry around a false sense of accomplishment. Look weathered and seem extremely unapproachable then greet strangers to throw them off. Follow the cute girl who’s taking the elevator. Ask which button to push, she’ll say “three,” pretend you parked on three.
Play lots of internet video games. Pick fights with children. Get on their level. Tell them you watch all the same cartoons they do, and you think they’re brilliant. Borrow someone’s car. Return it with an empty tank of gas. When they ask you why you’ve returned their vehicle with no gas, say “you didn’t say I had to” they won’t laugh. Grow a beard. Procrastinate all day long, learn to play only a few songs on the guitar and then play them over and over again. When people come by they will ask “have you learned any new songs?” don’t answer them, just keep playing. Work a job you hate. Quit, and work another job you hate. Quit again until you’ve stressed the fact that you hate working. Collect unemployment. Wear a t-shirt with the logo “Don’t Tread on Me."
Pretend to be sick to avoid going to important family functions. Go to the bar instead. Drink until you black out. Get into a fight with your friend. Punch him in the face until he spits blood. Jump out of a moving car then stagger back home in the dead of winter. Wake up with ripped jeans and bloody sheets. Nice sheets, one-thousand thread Egyptian cotton sheets. The ones your ex-girlfriend helped you pick out. Pause and think of why you broke it off. Convince yourself you did the right thing. Cry yourself to sleep. Know useless facts and information. Watch lots of television. Watch Jeopardy! Answer the questions aloud “what is Victoria Falls?” if playing with others, talk over them loudly. Shake hands. Kiss butts. Kiss all the wrong butts. Grant wishes and break promises. Lie, a lot.Don’t show up on time, ever. Make weird faces and tell people you had a stroke. Cuss, urinate in dark alleys. Accost strangers then quickly apologize and say “sorry I thought you were someone else” they’ll think you’re mad. Don’t tie your shoelaces. Eat cold pizza. Pick your nose. Don’t lift the seat up. Stop caring, always.